Nobel Laureate Awarded

When I was working in IT (either operations or development) I always insisted that we discussed a worst case scenario if we screwed up implementation. We then would develop, test, and publish a back-out plan so that we didn't get fired if things turned to crap.    It saved me and my team's ass more than once.     I have Woody Allen to thank for my excessive paranoid that if you can think of a bad thing that can happen it probably will.    Expressing it verbally just about guarantees it.




So I had an epiphany as I was listening to the news about the Gulf oil spill.   Just the revenues of Exxon, Mobil, and ConocoPhillips, in 2006 were around $800,000,000,000 (that's billion).   If you throw in oil producers around the globe you are talking a total of around $2,000,000,000,000 (trillion) dollars in revenue in 2006 (USA produces about 40% of the oil although these 3 oil companies probably earn money from non-oil fossil fuels as well).     Follow me so far?

Clearly, the result of burning fossil fuels is air pollution (and perhaps global warming), water pollution (oil spills, run off, etc.) which is slowly killing our planet.






Instead of beating our heads against the wall with the oil companies that rule the world (money talks---bullshit walks) why not develop a back-up plan for when the inevitable screw up occurs and the earth can no longer support life with any kind of reasonable lifestyle for most of the population? 


What's the back-up plan you ask?   Why Earth II (the sequel) of course.   Maybe even a whole bunch of earth sequels!      Even without pollution and other suicidal behavior we eventually will run out of space for all the damn condos and single family homes.

But here is the core idea that really merits a Nobel (without being the first black president).   We make the oil companies fund the space program.  They would have to invest 5% of total revenues towards a new private (not government run) corporation jointly owned by the oil companies.  This company would have as its goal to establish colonies, first on the moon, and then on other planets and moons in our solar system which will give us head room for billions of more people.   In return this company would gain mineral rights (which would also be given a 5% haircut on any revenues) as a way to insure a profit motive if successful.  





Think of all the relief the world would feel if we knew that there was a virgin world to escape to that was ripe for rape and pillaging?    All of a sudden, "Drill baby, Drill!" would be music to uber ears


We could also solve the terrorist problem and illegal immigration issue at the same time and maybe even catch Bin Laden.   Everyone that wanted to go to another Earth colony would be closely screened, in Arizona, and if they looked suspicious there was no way they were getting on the escape shuttle.   



So what do you think?  

Toto - I think we are back in Kansas

While I anticipated with pleasure the high mountain desert climate of Denver I did not realize that meant that I would shed my skin like a snake every few weeks.   It is still better than feeling like a wet sponge in the middle of August in New York.

Perhaps more humorous was a cultural shock that I really was unprepared to experience.   Around mid-day I heard a siren blast with one long shrill tone.    While I did not remember hearing this before I figured it was a daily test of the siren at high noon.    But then I checked the clock and saw that it was after 1 pm?

Before I could ask Rachel for some input on this puzzle the TV show Marissa was watching was interrupted with words I have not heard since I was a kid:  "This is the Emergency Broadcast System".

Of course I had only heard those words at the end of the broadcast day (which I don't think exists anymore) with the familiar and politically incorrect Indian head and bulls eye.  (Why the Indian?  Does this mean we should circle the wagons?)

It would start out with the same "This is the Emergency Broadcast System (EBS)" but would continue with 'This is just  test.  If this were a real emergency you would be given instructions....blah blah blah'.   

I always associated the EBS with the nuclear threat and the Cuban missile crisis.   For a moment I thought we were under attack.   But before I could completely process this shocking news we were informed that Denver and the surrounding counties were under a 'tornado warning alert' until 2:45 p.m.

While I decided this was a much better alternative than the end of the human race I did know what to do if there was a nuclear attack (head for a fallout shelter and pray) but had no clue what to do if under the threat of a tornado attack.

Fortunately, with internet access, I was able to go the weather channel web site and get the technical definition for 'tornado warning' versus 'tornado watch' and what to do in case of either situation.   Of course the only situations it covered were single family wooden structures, schools, and mobile homes.   Nothing for apartment dwellers on the 23rd floor.  

I figured at least we would be the first to spot one.  Thus I spent about 10 minutes on the balcony in 'tornado spotting mode' but quickly determined that our western exposure was useless in this situation.   Apparently 'tornado alley' is toward the eastern plains.    But I felt like I had done my part and was no longer a naive New Yorker and one step closer to discovering my western roots.

I Thought Cheap Labor Had Been Outsourced!?

Furniture used to be hand crafted by talented artists and apprentices.    Mass production allowed the creation of a less skilled workforce that made 'fine' furniture affordable to the middle class.   Then cost effective international transportation allowed for these less skilled jobs to be sent to countries with lower costs of living and salaries.   Now furniture was cheaper than ever.   Was that the end of the manufacturing evolution?   NOPE.    Now furniture is manufactured overseas or south of the border but the assembly is completed at 'zero cost' to the manufacturer by - you guessed it - the customer.

The above diagram is for a futon couch but in fact Rachel spent the day completing the assembly of a TV stand to hold our audio/video gear.   I went out with Marissa shopping for groceries and cat food.  Rachel loves putting these things together (but does voice complaints a bit during the process about the 'stupid directions').  I guess it reminds her of a puzzle.   It reminds me of a bad nightmare but fully dressed.   Give me a grocery list any day.   Rachel is the man.

A Blend of California and New York

Denver Dad Beaten With Skateboards

         DENVER (AP) ― A 33-year-old Denver father who took his kids to a skateboarding park was beaten by more than two dozen teens and young men at the park.

Denver Police say the victim took this three children to the Denver Skatepark Wednesday night. When some other skateboarders appeared to be in a scuffle, police say the father asked what was going on and was hit in the back of the head with a skateboard.

Police say more than two dozen skateboarders joined in the melee, striking the father with skateboards. The victim received a head injury, a fractured back vertebrae and a broken elbow.

Denver Police spokesman Sonny Jackson told The Denver Post there have been no arrests. The newspaper did not name the father.

Junk Drawers without Guilt

We are knee deep (progress over hip deep) in unpacking and I am finding most of it humorless at best. Although there are moments of pleasant surprise when we uncover the electric cord that matches up with the cordless drill, external hard drive, or other electric device. I try to celebrate these moments of reunion to get me through the other less pleasant tasks.

However during this boring process I had a moment of revelation. I was unpacking another box labeled "Miscellaneous" and trying to decide the appropriate destination for the hodgepodge of items that we could not imagine living without.

As I randomly (although I prefer to call it 'contemporary chaotic') started to place paper clips, staplers, craft paper, rubber bands, hard drives, zip drives, etc. into neatly arranged piles within the built in cabinets and drawers I suddenly had my moment of epiphany. Brace yourself for a notion that will free you from untold guilt and agida:

The reason a junk drawer creates mental anguish is that once an item is placed in a junk drawer(s) we fear and generally experience never being able to find that item again when we need it. Thus: as long as we can find the item when it is needed there is no reason to overly organize almost anything!

This is all thanks to a little bit of technology that could also be replicated with only a bit more effort with a manual system (e.g. index cards that can be alphabetized for those anal retentives that can not let go fully).

As I placed the items in the various cabinet locations I entered into my spreadsheet the item description (e.g. box of big mother paper clips), and the specific cabinet and shelf location (e.g. upper first cabinet, left door, middle shelf or U1LM in order to use an ADLA (another four digit acronym)).

So at anytime in the future I will be able to do a search on the description or part of the description and know with certainty the exact junk drawer/shelf where the item is located! While it may be a mess I will know those big mother paper clips are somewhere in that damn drawer.

Of course this presumes that when someone retrieves the box of big mother paper clips, takes one or two out, that in turn they return the box of paper clips to the original location. I am still waiting on an epiphany for a technique to address this risk.

So give it a try and let me know what you think. I might try and patent the idea or least write an app for the iPhone/iPad.

iJunk

Something about Nothing

It has been awhile since an update. I have not noticed any new or note worthy cultural idiosyncrasies of these Western folk (oops - I am starting to talk like them!). I have noticed a large minority of downtown businessmen, in nicely tailored suits, sporting 10 gallon hats and cowboy boots.

How do you think I would look with the extra 2 inch heels and an extra couple inches on top of my head? I figure that would make me a total of about 6'8". Rachel would come up to my knees. Freak show I fear.

Anyway, we got back from Ouray (5 hours up into the mountains) on Saturday night and began our unpacking in earnest Sunday. First we went shopping for 5 hours for curtains, new kitchen gear, etc. until we were ready to pass out. We had just enough energy to drag our new boxes into the apartment.

I realized at that moment we were going in the wrong direction if our goal was to reduce the towers of boxes. What is the opposite of momentum? Negative velocity multiplied by mass (our boxes) = negative momentum?


Well we turned that around by Monday or Tuesday and unpacked quite a few boxes. Of course since I created a very detailed content database for the boxes I packed (about half of the 200) and we have lots of storage space such that I don't really need to unpack many of the boxes. I have categorized the boxes into:

1. will need the crap right way - unpack first
   
2. will need the crap eventually - unpack later
3. will never need the crap but would never throw it away - store in a dark place.
   

I figure as long as I can use my database to get my hands on any object I potentially might need in the distant future (i.e. more than a week from now) that I can just stick them in the back of a closet or a laundry room cabinet until then. So technically we were at least 50% done with unpacking before we even started!

The only other great news is that I was able to sneak an hour or so into the work day setting up the cable TV and the 7 speaker surround sound system I brought from New York. Rachel hates the thing but seems happy to be able to listen to some music while doing some of the heaviest lifting.

I needed it set up for today, the first day of the Masters golf tournament. I predict even lower efficiency levels in my unpacking efforts for the next four days. I think I need to move more boxes into categories 2 and 3. (see above)

Well take care. Will update you later.

Jon

Something you won't see in Manhattan

I was surfing the web this evening and was curious to see what typical jobs and salaries in Denver might be and came across the attached job posting. I wonder if I would end up a vegetarian after about 10 minutes on the job?

The Benefits of Posing as Dumb Tourist

I highly recommend that you try and obtain an out of state driver's license during this recession.

While on the way back to Denver yesterday I was stopped by an invisible (apparently) Colorado State Highway patrolman and accused of allegedly going 70 in a 60 mph zone and then exiting the highway on an 'exit only' ramp with out using my turn signal (not sure about the law on this part). I know in fact that I had been going 70 mph but that was after passing a car (single lane highway) going about 55 mp and then resuming my cruise control back down to 60-65 mph (they usually give you 10% leeway at least in the Northeast).

I figure that with state deficits there is extra pressure to increase revenue by cracking down on all traffic violators. After all the more felonious crimes just consume cash not only with the state police but the courts and prisons. At minimum they would hope for bank robberies and other federal felony offenses so it just sucks up the FBI's bank accounts and federal judicial and prison systems.

However, there might be one exception to this new edict by the state: "Don't screw with the tourists!" that are a contributing to the economy, particularly in a state that gains a big chunk of tax revenue from tourism. That's right, after checking my plates (it is a rental but they don't visibly identify them anymore on the exterior), the trooper handed me my New York State
License (you don't officially become a resident of Colorado until you have been here 90 consecutive days) and said, "I am just giving you a warning. Please mind the speed limit and use your turn signal. Have a good day." and I was off and off the hook to boot.

Marissa was a little traumatized and for the last 60 miles of the trip and the rest of the day she kept reminding me to use my turn signal at every opportunity.

Our First Day in Denver

To all our fans:

Since we are so beloved we thought we might share some of the more interesting or perhaps entertaining moments of our adventures in the wild, wild west. Fortunately bizarre trouble seems to follow us so there is ample grist for our journal 'Our Travels - Believe it or Not'. For example:

Yesterday was our first official day in the apartment while our movers were delivering our belongings from New York (after a blizzard overnight left 8 inches of snow in Downtown Denver). We had 4 movers bringing in a box every 30 seconds or so and yelling out the number for Rachel to check off the list while I directed them to the appropriate room. During this organized chaos a woman walked in the front door (which was open) and walked past me announcing that she was coming to check our bathrooms. I presumed she was an employee of the building and attempted to introduce myself but she ignored me and walked into the guest bathroom. She then exited and started walking towards the bedroom down the hall as I walked behind, again trying to introduce myself and find out what was going on. She then, seeming to talk to herself rather than me, said, "The drain is on the end of the bathtub. Mine is in the middle".

Thus I presumed she was another tenant of the building but she still did not identify herself. Rachel then entered the room and was more "direct" (after all she is the native New Yorker and always introduces me to new people as the 'nice one') but was polite and said, "Hi. I am Rachel Adler but we are very busy managing the move. Could we talk to you in a couple hours when we are done?" This woman then said, "That's not necessary. I already got what I wanted" and she started walking out of the bedroom and towards the front door. She then stopped and turned and said, "I can hear you walking on these floors You better have rugs down.". I tried to reassure her that we would (see - I am too nice) but she did not respond and walked out the door. As she opened her front door, just next door to us, she sort of introduced herself stating her first name (which I did not quite get) and she wished us good luck with the move. I was a little stunned, the movers were generally entertained, and Rachel was ready to knock down her door and mug her.

We related this story to our real estate agent (who happens to live down the hall from us) shortly after by which time Rachel was already laughing about the whole thing. However, an hour or two later, after the movers left, we heard our strange neighbor outside our front door (now closed) talking to someone and she started ringing our doorbell and then knocking on our door. Without any qualms we opted to not answer the door.

While unfamiliar with normal Colorado apartment protocol, our experience as residents on both coasts is that guests call from the lobby or call ahead before arriving at the front door. We might have been cleaning the oven or doing nude yoga exercises.

She continued to ring the doorbell and pounded on the door for several minutes until we heard her return to her apartment. Unfortunately, the story doesn't end, as a few minutes later the door bell rang again and there was another loud knock. We definitely were not going to answer this time. Then we heard the locked front door being opened (thinking - how did she get a copy of our keys?) and then heard the doorman asking if anyone was home. We quickly responded from our bedroom "Yes. What is the matter?". He explained that another tenant, below us, complained that there was water pouring down from our balcony and thought we had left water running (the balcony is not anywhere near a water tap of any kind). I told him that because of the blizzard the night before that the snow on our balcony was melting, probably like every tenant in the building, and draining off the side. He agreed that this was not an unusual situation and apologized for the intrusion. We later explained to him, when leaving by the front desk, the context of the situation and he agreed that the entire event was bizarre.

We then related the entire story to the real estate agent and the owner of the apartment. They both agreed it was even strange behavior for this women who had a reputation in the building for odd behavior. The good news is that we can now march up and down the apartment with ski boots and not worry about complaints. It turns out this woman not only owns the apartment adjacent to ours but also the one below us. I am shopping for a pogo stick and tap shoes for the cats later today.

Ciao from another universe.

Jon and Rachel